Long-Term Relationships
30 Lessons for Living: This week’s reflections are based on a chapter from the book 30 Lessons for Living, by Karl Pillemer, Ph.D.. The author surveyed, interviewed & summarized the life lessons from more than 1,000 people over the age of 65. Below are my reflections from the chapter ‘Great Together - Lessons for a Happy Marriage’.
Similar Values: Since basic core values rarely change, make sure that your partner’s core values are similar to yours. To do this, you need to know your own values as they drive everything that you do. Then, compare them to your partner’s core values. If they are similar, you’ll be in a good place to work through anything that life throws at you.
Let’s Be Friends: Ask yourself, “If you did not have a romantic relationship with your partner, would you still be friends?” Would you enjoy their company, feel relaxed around them, share common interests, want to hang out with them & enjoy their conversation? Being good friends will keep you together as your romantic relationship develops & changes.
No Winner; No Loser: Don’t keep score. Long term relationships are not built on a 50/50 approach and you will be disappointed if you are expecting something else. A partner must give 100% even when the other person cannot. To do this, ask yourself every day, “What will I do, today, to make my partner’s life a little happier?”
Two Way Talk: Dedicate time to talk. If needed, leave your home to decrease distractions. If there is a ‘hot’ topic to discuss, find time to cool down before talking about it and make every effort to resolve the issue prior to going to bed. Talking is a skill. Listen to each other and practice your communication skills through shared interests.
Commit to Commitment: Commit to the relationship and not to the person. Your partner will be learning and growing and so will you. Love brings you together, but the commitment will keep you together and will be the foundation of how you interact. As long as the relationship is not abusive or harmful, commit to the commitment.